Single in Saint Louis: Dating and Interviews

PJ Date

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 11:10:51 GMT

I don’t really want to change out of my PJs. I like my spot on the exboyfriendnowboyfriend’s couch, but I am sick of being inside. I want to go do something. Get out on the town. “What do you want to go do?” Exboyfriendnowboyfriend is on a website looking for date ideas. I am feeling like a creative date. Something fun.

“Whatever we do I have to go home and change out of my PJs. I have been in them all day.” Exboyfriendnowboyfriend looks at me perplexed. He is trying to solve a date problem. “Why do you have to go home? Just wear your PJs.” I look at him like he just asked me to commit a mortal sin. He goes on, “How about this? I’ll wear my PJs too, and make them more flamboyant than yours, that way people don’t laugh at you wearing your PJs?” I laugh thinking of exboyfriendnowboyfriend running around in PJ pants in public. “Ok, but we are going to Frontenac.” He dies laughing.

Frontenac’s movie theatre is not the type of theatre where you can wear your PJs and go unnoticed. Most people are wearing designer brands. “I still need to run home really fast. I have to throw in another load of laundry.” He laughs, “Ok, I’ll pick you up at 6:30.” I shout to him on the way out the door “I’ll make dinner.”

Promptly, at 6:45 (exboyfriendnowboyfriend is perpetually 15 minutes late), He shows up. Decked out, not just in PJs, but flamboyant Superman PJs. I pull my hair into pigtails, make us both Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches, Macaroni and Cheese, Vanilla Swiss Miss Pudding, and Kool Aid. It prompts an entire conversation about childhood. Even after knowing one another for four years, there is more to learn. We go to the movies. People are staring. We are laughing. I order popcorn while he gets the tickets. Every once in awhile I look back to see him standing in all his Superman glory. I suddenly remember why I like him.

I walk over to him with the popcorn showing off my ‘stick the popcorn to your tongue’ trick. It is quite impressive, or at least I think so. I continue practicing my trick as we walk to the movie theater. We take a place near the middle back of the theater, as the movie starts he leans over and lets me in on a little secret. “Tonight, I like you the same way I liked you when we first started dating.” I am smitten. It is all too often in relationships that you get bogged down by what a relationship is supposed to be, the baggage, and all the other relationship trauma that four years of off and on can cause. When really all it takes to rekindle the flame is a night of pbj, kool aid, and a fancy schmancy movie wearing PJs. Date Rating: #1

Mr. Smith goes to St.Louis

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 11:08:18 GMT

Hello Singleinstlouis, I am looking for some advice. Recently, I moved to St. Louis and have found it difficult to meet other singles, but my question is more about making good first impressions. I'm a college graduate and have dated enough to make mistakes, but I have never been good with first impressions. A female friend told me that I am bad at first impressions because I act the same the first time you meet me and the next time. It's partly a compliment, but it does not feel that way. I have noticed that all the women I have dated I knew prior to the relationship. I have never got a female’s number at the bar either. So, what should I do? Should I change my approach? If so, wouldn't that be making me be something other than myself. I am just confused. Hopefully your advice will clear this up for me. My apologies for using a fake name, I am a pretty private person to strangers, let alone a blog, so sending this was harder than I thought, but since it is not my name you can also post this for your readers. There may be someone who has the same problem. But now you know two things, my favorite color is orange and I liked the movie Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. Thank you in advance,

Mr. Smith Dear Mr. Smith, From the form of your question, it appears the problem here might not really be in the first impression, but more in your confidence. By confidence I mean knowing what you want, who you are, and what you want out of a relationship. Mistakes You say you’ve “…dated enough to make mistakes.” My question is “What have you learned from those mistakes?” A mistake is something you have done wrong. In relationships it isn’t always about something you have done wrong. Sometimes things just don’t work out or two people aren’t compatible. The purpose of dating is to get to know each other. Usually the dating process is ended by pigeonholing someone into one of four personal categories: 1) Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Spouse, 2) Friend, 3) “Friend”, or 4) Stalker.

If you are the type that chalks every relationship that does not work up to a “mistake” then you are losing the beauty of dating in the first place. If you feel like you have legitimately made mistakes in some relationships (which everyone does), look at what mistakes you think you have made, learn from them, and take an initiative to change what you don’t like about yourself. Nobody is perfect, and nobody is expected to be perfect in a relationship. Let you, be yourself. In order to do that, you must find out who you are, who you want to be, and start working toward the who you want to be. Consistency Why are you acting the same way both times you meet with a girl? Is it a security blanket that keeps her from getting to know you? A comfort zone that keeps you from getting nervous? Is she just not the type of girl who likes consistency? Are you the type of guy who likes to be consistent and wants to show her your affinity for consistency? The ultimate question here is “Are you really being yourself?” and if so, maybe the girl you are out with is not one who can appreciate this personality trait.

Dating Women You Have Known Prior to the Relationship

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. As the exboyfriendnowboyfriend was reading your email over my shoulder, he related to this part of your email. He started to laugh and talked about dating in the United States v. Dating in the rest of the world. His advice to you is to “move to Europe.” According to him, dating for men in the US is rather cavemanish. You go out on a Friday night to a bar, find a girl, drag her home, and then she is expected to either be highly committed to you or to leave and never talk to you again. The rest of the world prefers the “dating women you were friends with first” approach. It allows you to get to know each other, you know whether or not you share common interests, values, or beliefs, and you can successfully have a functioning relationship. If that is what you are looking for. My advice to you is a little different. Moving to Europe could be pricey and, depending on the country, you might have a language barrier to overcome with the ladies. So, since you are stuck in the United States, try this one. What type of relationship do you want with a woman? Do you want a one night stand or an actual meaningful relationship? If you are going for a one night stand, a bar may be the place to go. Not saying that no meaningful relationship has ever been born over a couple cerveza, just saying that it is less likely that you will find a meaningful relationship at a bar. However, the bar is an excellent place (and the place of choice for most American men) to meet a girl to drag home. If this is what you are looking for, it doesn’t matter if you are being yourself or not. You are not going to care what her name was in the morning. Most likely, she isn’t going to care that much about you, unless she is one of those stalker types or thinks you would be a good friend. If you are looking for a quality relationship, look to friends. If you have no friends in the area yet, get a hobby and make some friends.

I know a guy who took Spanish lessons to meet his current girlfriend. Another friend met his girlfriend while singing with the opera. The exboyfriendnowboyfriend met me through law school (a shared hobby to say the least). I have met men at work, in Best Buy, even just last night I was asked out by the cashier at Jimmy Johns. The one thing all these guys have in common is that none of them were picking up ladies at a bar. They were all doing something they enjoy, be it making money, learning a new language, or singing in another language. Go find something you enjoy. Even if the only things you enjoy are beer and sports there are plenty of ladies who enjoy that too. Go find them and have fun with searching.

Something other than Yourself

If you feel like doing something will make you something other than yourself, don’t do it. You should not change yourself to meet the whims of what other people think you should be. I know there is a lot of pressure on people these days on the dating scene. You are pressured into committed relationships. You are pressured into going out to bars to meet people. You are pressured into 7 second speed dating. You are pressured to wear your hair a certain way, having a certain body type, being a certain type of person. You are even pressured to like certain things so that someone else will like you. All of that pressure is needless. If you know who you are and are confident with yourself, you don’t really need the pressure, and it should be fairly easy to disregard. This applies to dating just as much as life. The people in life who know you best might know your dreams and ambitions and support you in those dreams and ambitions (or not), but they should never make the decision what those dreams and ambitions should be. You are the one who has to live with your decisions for the rest of your life. Make choices wisely and for yourself Single

Metamorphosis

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 22:18:22 GMT

“I was completely wrong about everything.” My face had to be dumbfounded. Never before has a guy sat me down and just admitted everything he has ever done wrong in a relationship, nonetheless admitted fault and admitted that I might have been right...a little. My jaw dropped to the floor. “Not that you’re perfect. You have your imperfections too, but I think this one was my fault.” Jaw still on floor. Confusion takes over.

“Umm....but I am dating someone else.” This whole situation has me completely confused, this is a new one for me. The ultimate in apologies. “Yeah, me too.” And I thought that would be the end of the conversation. But then I asked the question I wanted to know the answer to, but didn’t know what to do with the answer when I got it. “Do you want to date me again?” Did I really just ask that? Am I absolutely crazy? Why did I ask that? Just as my life had officially moved on. Here we go again, time 7 with the Ex.

Seven times we have dated. Seven times it has officially not worked. Why am I even asking if he wants to try this again?

“Oh, bold question.” I am secretly as surprised by my boldness as he is. “Then give me a bold answer.” “Yes.” “I’ll have to think about it. I need some time to think about whether things will work this time. We have tried this seven times already. What is different now?” I am halfway in logic and halfway on cloud nine. I feel half scared this is a horrible idea and half happy that I am wanted.

“I’m different.” And that was the only reply I could think of that would have satisfied me. “Prove it. You’re on probation.” And then he became the perfect boyfriend. I keep waiting and waiting for the moment when FIFA soccer becomes more important than me. I keep waiting for the dog to take priority over coming to dinner. It doesn’t happen.

Then I notice the most significant change. He accidently hurt my feelings. The kind of accidently hurting feelings that most guys don’t notice. The kind that guys wonder why the girl is suddenly angry and that is chalked up by men everywhere to irrationality or the forbidden PMS. We were in the car. He noticed. “What’s wrong?” “I’m fine.” “No you’re not. I said something, what was it?” “You made a comment about my thumbs. I took it personally.” “You are self conscious about your thumbs?” He started to laugh. “You’re so confident about everything! Your thumbs?” “Shut up. Everyone has insecurities. It isn’t like I am deformed or something.” “Why have you never told me this?” “I dunno.”

It is true. I honestly do not know. I also am not sure where the thumb insecurity comes from. Then I do know. “I didn’t tell you because then I might be vulnerable.” Vulnerable. Oh, the painful word. Vulnerable. The exact same thing he had done by opening up to me and admitting he was wrong about everything always. Only it was more than vulnerability. The corresponding of vulnerability is trust. To trust someone you have to open yourself up to them. You have to make yourself vulnerable. You have to give someone something to trust. Oh crap! I trust him.

This can only lead to sudden death. I am scared. “I’m scared.” I repeated my thought out loud. “That’s ok. I’ll leave you alone about the thumbs.” “It isn’t just the thumbs. It is that I trust you with the knowledge of my thumbs. The fact that I am completely confident in my entire body except my thumbs, and you have just learned my weakness.” I can’t help but laugh at how my last sentence strangely resembles something from a anime feature film. “It’s ok. You’re thumbs are safe with me.” It was exactly what I needed to hear. “You’re still on probation.” Only I didn’t really know if it was true. In fact, I was pretty sure that in that moment of total acceptance of me, thumbs and all, I had fallen back again to the Ex, time number 7 was official, and 7 is a lucky number. Maybe this time I would be lucky.

KT's Hot Date : Guest Writer KT

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 22:17:44 GMT

Guest Writer KT

I had a blind date last week. Great guy. He and I had really hit if off via email, and I was excited to get to meet him. We really had a meeting of the minds, and I drove all the way into DC to meet him at one of my favorite restaurants. He was also driving into town just for the date. We met for dinner, and we had a great time. He was very shy, and I found myself talking more than usual (which is a feat). At the end of the evening, he suggested that we meet up for brunch the next day before he left town. I agreed to brunch. I left feeling moderately pleased about the date, he was the type of guy that I thought would treat me right. I simply was not sure that I am fit to date anyone right now, given my medical problems (broken leg and blood clot) and lack of a direction in my career. The next morning, I met him for brunch and realized that there was much more wrong than my limp. He definitely stared at me the entire morning. Kept repeating how pretty I was. Talked very little. After an hour and a half at Crackerbarrel...yes, I said Crackerbarrel, I started trying to find a way out of there. All of the staring was making me VERY uncomfortable. I said, "So, that's a long drive, but a pretty one. I hope you enjoy it!" He just stared at me, saying, "Is that your way of saying I should go?" I thought, "Yes, Mr. Socially Inept." I said, "No, I just remember enjoying the drive last time I went that way." Just when I thought that creating a medical emergency by jamming my fork in my eye was a good idea, I successfully got him out the door. After walking me to my truck, he stood and stared at me. He started down the, "why aren't there a hundred guys beating down your door..." path. I headed him off, but couldn't get him to leave. I hate to have anyone watch me struggle into a vehicle with my lame leg, but he just edged closer without offering help. I thought that getting in the vehicle would cause him to leave. No such luck. So, I shut the door in his face. He is still standing there, staring. I had to start the engine to get him to back off. As I drove off, he was still standing there staring after me. If I didn't know better, I would assume that he was totally in love with me. Instead, all of my stalker bells started ringing. Ding, Ding, Ding.

Shopping and the Serial Dater

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 22:05:34 GMT

Shopping and the Serial dater I have a beef with serial dating. It is no secret to anyone who knows me. To me the difference between serial dating and just dating is as simple as the difference between shopping at a store and ordering online. I do not prefer the risk involved with ordering online. As such, I have been called a Manizer, when thirty years ago, I would have been called popular. I have been called a lot of names in life. I have been called shortie, shrimpy, and host of words I choose not to write on this blog. Lately, two new ones have been added to the list. The first, A “female chauvinistic pig,” and “Manizer.” Maybe Female Chauvanistic Pig is a blow at my ever so slight feminist streak (trust me there are much bigger feminists in this world), but manizer kind of bugs me. I am called a manizer for one reason only...I date. A Brief History of Dating... Once upon a time there was a thing called courtship. Court, as in king’s court, as in the same meaning as “court” in courtyard. A gathering. Ship, meaning the suffix to do or hold. Ultimately, courtship was a to do/hold a gathering. A gathering of a couple of people. This required getting a mother and father’s approval to see a daughter who usually had a considerable dowry to her name. A daughter without a dowry wasn’t going to get a husband and was destined to be an old maid. This was all tied to politics and money and this whole “love” thing was something that people just got over. Then one day, people decided to give some value to the “love” thing. So, that whole infatuated feeling became the basis for dating someone. In the early years of dating, there was still approval needed by parents and women were married off systematically before the age of 20. Then, as the idea of dating aged, people began to date without mom and dad’s permission. Sometimes they might date only one person, but usually, they dated many people. Sometimes more than one at once. This allowed people to get to know different types of people, make new friends, and learn what they wanted in people. Now, the pendulum of the dating scene has shifted a new way. People have taken to dating one person at a time and only one person. I, personally, have a major beef with what is called serial dating. This ultimately is like a mini “tried on” marriage. People don’t really date. They jump from long term relationship to long term relationship to long term relationship. There is no time to get to know the person you are dating. You are already practically married by the end of the infatuation phase. And for the record, infatuation is not love, it is hormones. The phase will wear off. It could take two days or eight years. It will go away. I half blame one of my favorite TV shows for the swing. Sex in the City. I am progressive, don’t get me wrong, but I also don’t think you need to sleep with everyone you date. You don’t even have to kiss everyone you date. In fact, there are probably some people worth dating who aren’t worth touching at all. Sex in the City (reminder it is one of my favorites for many other reasons) seemed to make women think that dating was all about sex. Women associate sex with complicated emotions. Then, poof, there you have it emotional involvement to the level of that in a serious relationship without the serious relationship. To compensate, women begin to require serious relationships. The effect is a series of serious relationships filled with high strung not well thought out emotions. In all reality, dating is about getting to know a person, not sex. A relationship should not be serious until it develops. There are a lot of fish in the sea. Why not learn about them before you go off trying to catch one. Nowadays, if you date many people and only occasionally settle down into a long term relationship you are seen as a player, a hound dog, or a manizer/womanizer. In reality, there are just times in life when you might want to date around. (Eg. post break up during recovery phase, when you haven’t met anyone who really does it for you, when you are starting your career, when you are not financially stable, when you are not emotionally stable) Yet, more and more single people every year are constantly searching for a person to marry or jump into a mini marriage with, and what is worse is that has become the ideal. I know nothing about statistics, but in my personal opinion, not dating around enough might be the single contributing factor to failed marriages, failed relationships, and low self esteem. Shoot, I’ll throw in obesity, heart disease, and the flu just or good measure. Serial dating causes a dilemma. First, you are only allowed to date one person. This instills a mindset that if you meet someone else you are “cheating.” That one and only thinking leads people to abandon their sense of selves, friends, family, and other important people in life. The “only person you need is the person you are dating.” You must forsake all others. Yes, that was sarcastic. This whole line of thinking is not true. Once upon a time, this was called a stalker, control freak, or even abuse. Second, it immediately breaks down learning to communicate in lieu of hormones. Instead of getting to know a person early in the relationship and discovering whether or not this person is someone you would like to date, you react to hormonal attraction without finding out if there is any substantive attraction. Since, hormones only last so long, when the hormones are gone the attraction is gone and you are left heartbroken and feeling like you don’t know your significant other. Maybe even feeling like you don’t know yourself. And finally, serial dating immediately sets a person up for the lowering of self esteem. Here is the deal, unless the person you are serial dating is, by happenstance, the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, your relationship is not going to work. You are too committed to the relationship to extinguish it when necessary. You put a lot of time and energy into one person to no avail. Then, they inevitably, meet someone else, stop liking you, stop treating you well, start taking your presence for granted, and building resentment which kills the relationship. Now I am all for long term relationships. If you find a person you connect with, you have a lot in common, you get to know one another and you like what you know, you are attracted to the person, and are interested in pursuing a serious relationship, by all means do it. The key is that you don’t have to have a serious relationship with every person you date. You can date someone and not want to marry them. Dating is a term reserved for a niche in relationship progression where you are getting to know someone. You try on the little white dress before you buy it. Don’t order online and then get it and realize the fabric is ugly, the length is wrong, and the waist is too tight. Try before you buy, and see how much happier you become. Or I suppose we could just go back to the courtship process.

The Love Crawl

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 22:01:12 GMT

Singlemom showed up at 6:45. Check in was at 7pm. I laughed about the fact that I was even going to a cheesy single’s event like stlspeedating’s love crawl. I still can’t believe anyone actually talked me into doing something this cheesy. However, something about the cheesiness of it all, the way I knew I was going to observe and not to find a date, gave me solace in the event. The idea was to remain low key. Not let anyone see my cocktail napkin of notes, and circle a few little numbers here and there of random people who looked decent. It had nothing to do with getting to know you for me. Singlemom and I went to Molly’s, where I had the heads up one of my new friends was working the door. I stoppped to say hello, was slapped with my obligatory yellow bracelet which would get me into bars without a cover for the night, and given a number so potential lookers could write my number down without even really having to meet me. In a way, I felt like cattle, but in good spirits for the night, I accepted my number and thought, give it a chance. It is just speedating. Have fun. Singlemom and I stopped first at Soulard Coffee Garden. I wanted an iced chai and she needed coffee to get her through the night. We bought our drinks and turned around to see one or two other speedaters. Easily identified by their yellow bracelets and numbers. Both sitting alone. Both women. After a short conversation about the whole speedating event. Chit Chat if I may. Singlemom and I headed back to Molly’s after hearing there was some kind of drama. Evidently, Molly’s bartender was up in arms because they never charge a cover, and the contract with speedating required a $5 cover for all people not attending the event. I am not sure how this got resolved, or what happened with it, but I do know that Molly’s became the hot spot for the night and nobody cared at all, cover or no cover. However, when Singlemom and I showed up, there was one bar full of people. We chose a seat at the end of the bar. I scanned the row for someone remotely good looking. There were a few options, nothing spectacular. Then I saw the guy bartender. Too bad he didn’t have a number. “Can you make me a mint julep?” He laughed, “I don’t know how to make that, I will have to ask the other bartender.” Singlemom laughed too, she knew that all day at work I had been thinking of mint juleps. It has to do with the new Southern Belle office decor. The bartender walked by a few more times. “Hey, where’s my mint julep?” He smiled. At this point the comment was all in good fun. “Tell me what is in it. I will make it.” To no avail. They did not have the right alcohol choices. Disappointed and after waiting a few minutes, I called back over the bartender for my default drink...”Give me a peach schnapps and vodka on the rocks...add water.” He did. I nurtured it with the hopes it would give me confidence. Well, until I realized that I had the confidence anyway. Looking around the room, that was the one thing that was missing in almost every single person. An aura of confidence. I can tell you why. It is because you feel like a nerd with a little yellow bracelet and a number sitting at a bar with 7 other people. Some people were clearly there to get dates. I felt even more sorry for them. The people who were talking, chatting it up, and exuding game were there to have fun, not get dates. I needed to take a note. I know this is a dating phenom that will get delved into on the blog at some point. I didn’t have a notebook, or a pda, I whipped up the handy old cocktail napkin. The cocktail napkin, the notebook of choice of bar goers everywhere. I began to write. “Writing on a napkin so soon?” A voice came from down the bar. I looked up, a guy about singlemom’s age. “Ahh...just taking notes.” He laughed and began to talk to another guy and eventually singlemom. I moved a little down the row and sat next to an Indian guy. No he wasn’t a doctor ever so slightly disappointed. He worked in IT. He was with his neighbor a nice girl with blonde hair. We all got to talking and before I knew it I had acquired a group for the night. Singlemom, IT Indian, and Blonde Girl. Blonde girl mentioned the guy at the end of the row who was ever so slightly cuter. You couldn’t see his wrist bracelet but several other singles event goers were talking to him. “I wonder what his number is?” She said. Then proceeded to take no action. I couldn’t figure out why a beautiful girl like that would just sit there. “Why don’t you walk past and see?” I asked. “Oh! I couldn’t do that!” “Why not?” “I just couldn’t.” Now I knew it. Blonde girl was slightly shy. I understand. I have been that way before too. Not shy as a person, just shy at first. You don’t want to go talk to people because you wish people would just come to you. In the name of good sportsmanship, I offered to go get his number. She laughed. I went. I gave her the number and the basic info about the guy. I played wingwoman. It was easy to strike up a conversation with the guy for me. I wasn’t really here to look anyway. I got his number and returned to blonde girl with it. I flirted a little longer with the bartender, watched an older lady with a feather boa who was clearly out to get a man for the night seduce a couple of guys with her charms, and then the group left the bar to try somewhere else. Mainly because, the bar was dead and I was hungry. We decided to go to Llwellyns, and started our walk around Soulard. As we were passing by the coffee garden, we inquired about the trolley. They had hired it to get people from bar to bar for the night. After some hesitation, we jumped aboard...with all other women. IT Indian was the only guy on the entire Trolley, which led to numerous comments about his wonderful dating skills. It was an estrofest. Perfect for him, bad for the rest of the group. We hopped off at Llwellyns with everyone else on the Trolley. When we walked in, there were no men. However, there was food. We ordered some appetizers, I drank an iced tea, and everyone else drank a beer. As we scoped out the place for bracelets, there were women everywhere. Not a man in sight. After the singer of a band playing the venue began singing in a not so talented voice, we opted to go back to Molly’s. At least there, with the disproportionate number of women, there were still some men. We walked back to a packed Molly’s. The door guys had been pulling people off the street to join in on the speedating fun. Then the night picked up. 9:00. Mollys. It looked like a Friday night bar scene, only different. As I looked around at people with little yellow bracelets. I noticed the segregation of men and women. Men sat at tables in groups waiting for women to talk to them. Women sat at tables in groups waiting for men to talk to them. The women were talking to the women and the men were talking to the men. The only intermingling was actually at the bar while ordering drinks. It didn’t matter that we had on yellow bracelets which screamed, “I’M SINGLE!!!!” People still weren’t talking to each other. It was no different than a Friday night out in St. Louis. A few gutsy souls tried to break the boundaries of the sexes, but they were few and far between. We headed to the bar. As I sat on the bar stool considering what drink I wanted, and perplexed that I was so indecisive all of a sudden, I felt like I was being watched. I was. Some dude not to far from me ordering drinks was checking me out. He was tall dark and handsome. The type I would go for if I cared, only tonight was fro reporting not caring. I smiled and ordered a dreamsicle. Bored with the porch where the majority of singles were sitting, I went inside and found a table. As I sat observing people an Asian guy caught my eye. He was his own PR man. He was posing like a super model, catching people’s eyes, and flashing his number on his hands. It was one of the funnier characters I had seen all night. He also reminded me of a friend of the boywhomustnotbenamed. I figured he was probably still in college. WHAT! Did I really just think that? Still in college? It was a thought that went fleeing through my brain and a thought that sounded like, “Oh, how cute...little college boy.” as opposed to “Check that fun guy out.” All of a sudden I feel kind of old. I look around. It didn’t take long to get over feeling old. The tall dark and handsome guy from outside was approaching to talk. Before tall dark and handsome guy could reach me, I was intercepted by another guy. Tall dark and Handsome backed down. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of this pick up line in this setting. “Hmmm...I don’t know.” He smiled and a look of relief passed across his face, “Oh! Yes! I just met you outside.” Again I had to laugh. I had not met him outside. This was just playing with a pick up line. Tall dark and handsome made his move. He pushed by the guy talking to me and asked me my name. I wondered if the two were incahoots. After the night of numbers having someone ask you your name was odd. I had to think about it. I wasn’t used to that. I told him. We talked for a bit. He was a neighborhoodie in Soulard. You could tell he was a soulardie. Neighborhoodie: A person who lives in one of the big neighborhoods in STL. Soulardie, Central West Indie, Claytonite, Downtownie, etc...Soulardie’s are distinguishable by their low key party look. They are either partying, partied out, or starting to party. It is like this everywhere they go even if they are not in Soulard and not partying. This is a stark contrast to the Central West Indie who is generally more refined, slightly more dressed up, and a little more regal, yet still looking to party. Soulard is like nice beer, and the Central West End is more like wine. Clayton is a dress up step from the Central West End and that is where you go to impress. Clayton is like a martini. Downtown off Washington is where all the fancy schmancy dance clubs are located. It is the trendsetting area that is whatever drink is cool at the time. Downtown on the landing is like a frat party and is more like whatever drink is available at the time. That is essentially the difference between the party neighborhoods in Saint Louis. Pick your poison. I talked for awhile to the tall dark and handsome guy, and then was tired. I had had enough. I grabbed singlemom who was having just as much fun observing as I, and I left.

The Game

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 22:00:26 GMT

I had to laugh when I heard it. “I was just playing the game.” As with any game, to have “game” you have to play by the rules, otherwise you get disqualified. Lately, I have seen a lot of examples of disqualification from the “game.” Below is a list of things that might get you stamped with the “No game” label. 1. Using the word Bedgular. Bedgular: A phrase which means I want to sleep with you but I do not want a relationship. “You look bedgular.” “You’re more the bedgular type.” hint you wish you could give: Ok. so the word has some value. but does anyone really want to be that bedgular person? This borders on an insult. 2. While on vacation, you convince someone in a state of drunkeness to leave their home country to move to your country. Of course, when sober, you retract your offer. hint you wish you could give: Decisions made while drinking are considered per se null and void. 3. Dating someone in your extended network on myspace (aka. Mystalker.com) hint you wish you could give: Everyone is in your extended network. You’re not special. 4. Being a relationship vulture. A relationship vulture is a person who hoovers around a person in a relationship with someone else and when the relationship is over, immediately swoops in to be the rebound. hint you wish you could give: Stay away for a month or so. You’re chances of getting a date will increase and you won’t ruin your chances of getting a date forever. 5. Talking excessively about how great you are, how much money you have, and how many cool people you know. hint you wish you could give: Shut up. Maybe even ask a few questions about someone else. 6. Wearing spandex leggings, daisy dukes, and Paris Hilton almost skirts. Sometimes all together. hint you wish you could give: Flaunting it really can make you look like a floosie. You are screaming “I want to be bedgular.” Cover it up. 7. The clinger. You know, the person you go on a date with who decides by the end of date number one, that you were meant for one another, and expresses those feelings to you profusely. hint you wish you could give: Give up sweetie. You’re scary.

A Great Date with an Old Friend

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 21:59:11 GMT

I spent most of the weekend with my nephew, but took some time out for a date. I wasn’t expecting much at all. Maybe that is what was key. Somewhere, mid last week, after reaching that post break up point where I was weary with the meaningless chit chat of getting to know someone, I contacted an old friend out of the blue. “Lets go on a date. I am tired of having to get to know people.” “Ok, when and where?” Soon we had plans to meet in OKC and spend a day together. He scored high on the date ranking. First, Ballroom dancing. (+12) While waltzing and foxing and tangoing across the floor he laughed at his mistakes. (+3) We laughed together, talked about how we both like to dance and tried to guess which instructors were going to be more into him than me. Both of us have danced a long time in life and know the reality of gay men in the profession. Contrary to very popular belief, not all male dancers are gay. (+3) He knew what being corrected in time meant. (+2) He was dressed casually, but not down. (+1) He accidently matched me. (+1) Then it was not quite time for dinner. First we went to Starbucks. (+2) He convinced me to try something new at Starbucks. (+5, noble effort). I liked it. (+1) Then to the mall. Neither of us could figure our way out around town. We have both been gone for so long. I am also horrible with directions, seeing as I live most of my life lost. There was no stressing in the car when we were lost. (+1) We walked around the mall talking more than shopping. (+1) Then it was time for dinner. Oh, yes, scored big points here. Mexican. Ok. Not just any mexican, but my favorite Mexican in all of OKC. (+20) He wasn’t annoyed by the 12 kids sitting a table from us. (+5) He picked up the bill and didn’t make a scene when I asked to get my half. (+5) After dinner a movie. (this turns into like four dates in one) The movie was none other than “Step Up.” Naturally, a dance movie, partially a chick flick, and yet still entertaining. (+5) Then the ride home. It started to rain. We drove past our old high school for old times sake. Watched a couple of teenagers make out, laughed at some old memories, and headed home. (+1). When I got home yesterday night, He called to make sure I had made it back to STL . (+2) Overall, a great date. Date Rank total: 70. The highest ever.

Cheese Singles

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 21:57:30 GMT

At the request of some of my friends who think it is inappropriate for me to go about touting being “Single in Saint Louis” and never participating in cheesy “Single” events. (With the exception of my one little excursion into the harmony of the e), I have decided to go do some typical single things around this town. As if, I am not already doing typical single things by virtue of the fact that I am single and often go about town. I usually avoid these cheesy singles events because I feel they go directly against my principles of dating. For example, I can get a date without a cheesy singles event. While it is true that I can get a date without attending a cheesy singles event. I have become somewhat curious of the cheesy singles event scene. I think for my sake, and the sake of all the readers of this blog, the cheesy singles scene needs to be explored. I am going to scope out this town the velveeta way. I am sure I will run into some cheese singles. You know, the cheesy singles that attend some cheesy singles events, but I figure if I am going maybe there will be someone normal there too. At the very least, I am sure that these events would make for some entertaining blog entries. Consider me there...sometimes. The only problem with doing typical single things around town is that I have to know if there is a typical single thing to do in this town. Problem numero uno. I have to figure out what cheesy single’s events are going on. This has proven much easier said than done. Please notify me of any cheesy singles events in Saint Louis. I might or might not participate. I can assure you if i do, I will give a review on this blog of how cheesy on the scale of cheesiness the event happens to be. I am also updating the events page as I go along trying to find cheesy single things to do about town. I will probably not list the events (for the sake of my anonymity) but I will list the sites where you can find events. So check the events page frequently. And if you hear of any single’s events let me know! It is about time this blog start assessing, honestly, the singles events in this town. My friends can be right about that.

Beautiful Men at Mall Kiosks: A recipe for disaster

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 21:54:05 GMT

It all started innocently. I was going to the apple store to ask if I could have comments on my blog without having a .mac account. Apparently, I cannot have immediate comments on this blog. I left the Apple Store disappointed. Rather disheartened, I took a trip through the mall. I plotted a way to have people email me comments and then I will post them at the end of the week in a special comments entry. I figure it will give me more control over the comments on the site anyway. Although, I was a little upset that I couldn’t have my immediate gratification of looking at the comments anymore. Now I can have gratification checking my email, and everyone can wait in suspense until Saturday when I post my big comment entries. hmmm...might be on to something here. Then as I was leaving the mall I saw a beautiful man. Oh, yes, tall dark handsome type. Somewhat long wavy hair. Light blue eyes. olive skin. My dream man. Then he spoke. He had an accent! He was one of the workers of a new mall kiosk which sells little nail kits. Knowing full well, I had no interest in buying a nail kit, I let the guy try out his product on my hand. The whole time I kept reminding myself...”Just because I guy is hot is not a reason to buy a nail kit.” If only I would listen to myself. I must say, the product isn’t too bad, and relatively inexpensive. But in all honesty, I am a chump and bought it purely for the sex appeal of the worker. A marketers dream.

Men are Purses

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 21:52:49 GMT

Hi there Single, I'm a fan of your blog and I know you're working on the website right now but this is something I was wondering about alot lately and was hoping you could shed some light on. What constitutes for a "whole" person? I really want to be happy at 50 if I were never to have have gotten hitched and still feel like life is full, genuinely happy. I just feel like its some sort of art you have you master or some secret out there. Much as I am independent etc, I can't help but feel like a man would make it that much better. No one can deny that I guess, its just that Halle Berry for example, has reached that point where she says she just wants a man to have sex with her so that she can have her babies. Thats the state of complete acceptance and pride with who you are and happiness in your life without marriage that I want to get to someday. That sort of freedom and fierce independence where you're completely un-needy of any thing or anyone but yourself is like the ultimate state of being I reckon. Of course your friends and family are some of the things that make life as great as it is, its just I want to feel perfectly happy without a hubby. Any ideas as to how some women get there? Is it just acceptance? But also mainly, what do you feel constitutes a genuinely "whole" individual? sorry this was so long couldn't figure out how else to say it! and if you do respond, thanks! Anamika x Dear Anamika, Nice to hear from you! Here is what I think about the "whole"person thing. 99% of our attitudes are the way we choose to view our life. There is no art to master or secret. All you have to do is change your mind. You can be "whole" simply by choosing to be. Everyday your attitudes, beliefs, preferences, and perspective on life are your choice. It does take a lot to have the confidence of Halle Berry, but you are not so far as you think. Imagine this, you have this really great outfit. Its awesome! It was designed just for you by the top fashion designer in the world. When you wear it out, you turn heads. That outfit is you. Now, you buy a really cool purse to compliment the outfit. Yes, it adds something. It makes your outfit tie together a little more, but it doesn't change the outfit or complete the outfit. It is an accessory. Purses are important, but they can easily be changed, put in a closet, or cast away into the trash. Sometimes they go out of style. The man is a Purse. Completely unlike your outfit. You outfit never goes out of style. It is purely yours. In order to gain the confidence of Halle Berry, all you really have to do is have faith in your outfit. You have to know deep within yourself that you are happy with who you are with or without the purse. Even if it was your favorite purse ever. Wholeness cannot be made in you by someone else. It is something you come to yourself, and each person’s whole is different. But it starts with looking within, noticing what is good about you, and not letting the outside world affect your image of yourself. You must accept who you are. It all starts with self esteem, but it is not only self esteem. It might sound easy. but I am sure you have realized it is not. However, the fact that you even sent this email to me tells me that you are actively growing and searching for you. I had someone tell me once, (it was very likely my mother) that if you don’t like who you are ...change. And I too found myself in the predicament you find yourself in, looking for a way to let the entire world see my confidence, and to build that confidence in myself. It is the downfall of women around this world. It is not enough to merely have confidence in yourself, it is not enough to have a positive self esteem. You must go beyond that by following your hopes and dreams, and see to it those hopes and dreams are not contingent on finding another person to spend your life with. Then, if a potential husband comes along, not only is he a purse, but he has a matching outfit to go with. You must buy your outfit first. Then the purse will work itself out later, and if you never find a purse, you still have a wonderful outfit, and perhaps you can find some matching shoes. Your focus should always be the outfit, not the purse.

The Eharmony Experiment!

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 13:43:37 GMT

For grins and giggles, and since I am trying diligently to get used to being single again, I relogged on to that eharmony account that I worked so hard to get a few months ago. For those of you who do not know, I was rejected by eharmony the first time I did my personality profile and had to wait two weeks and change my email address so I could try again. It was horrifying to be rejected from an online dating service because "the could not match you with the categories in their database."

Anyhow, I logged back on and ran a search, which brought up a large amount of people in New York and California, and a few stragglers in St. Louis, who upon reading their profiles, didn't seem like my type. Which leads me to the fun part about eharmony. Rejection.

On eharmony you don't get to just reject people any old way you want, you have to choose from a list of possible rejections. They say things like "I don't feel the chemistry here." or "I'd rather not say." Then there are the tougher rejections like "I want to pursue other matches at eharmony." I like that one, it is like the ultimate in online rejection. Not only are you rejecting someone because you aren't interested, but because you would rather pursue other people you do not know on the online dating service.

Then you have the fun rejections. Like "You put me on hold." and "I'm just not ready for the next step." The equivalents of real world dating's "You stood me up." and "This is all just moving to quickly." I suppose the "I'm just not ready for the next step" Is a good reason to reject anyone who wants the "fast track dating." What's the rush buddy? We have until you lose your internet connection to talk. Are you so anxious to meet someone that you are spazzing out?

After laughing about the rejection I decided to change the countries around. Apparently I am not compatible with anyone in the world except 1 guy from Mexico, 1 guy from the UAE, 35 guys from India, and 1 guy in France. I looked back over my 220 American matches, all but 17 are Indian. Maybe eharmony is onto something here. Clearly, something in my online values matches directly with Indian culture.

So, I am going to choose some Indian guys in the Saint Louis area to go on a date. If you would like to be one, please send your dating resume to singleinstlouis@gmail.com. This is purely to see if eharmony is correct and my personality mixes exceptionally well with people of Indian descent. It's all in good fun, so lets have some fun. And If I chose to reject you I will do so using one of eharmony's required rejections.

The perfect post break up day 1...

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 23:07:07 GMT

Today, in order to get my mind off of things, I took a trip out with Viper to West County Mall. Unfortunately, my face was red from crying. Viper, in his good nature mentioned the MAC Counter. We walked directly to the counter. There stood a woman with blonde hair pulled into a funky ponytail and wearing her MAC wear. "Hi, I just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday and my face looks ugly, can you help me?" She laughed, "I would love to. I just broke up with my boyfriend last weekend. " As she smeared a new look onto my face, we talked about our break ups. A therapy session in the middle of Famous Barr. For both of us. By the end of it I was feeling 100 times better.

Then Viper and I gallyvanted around the mall to the Apple store. I needed the software to finish Singleinstlouis.net, my new up and coming website, due out as soon as I get off my bum and finish it. Because Samone (my pc) is now a working girl, Simon (a Mac) is having to carry the website burden. Thus, the need for new software. I found what I needed and headed out once again. After eating some chinese food in the food court, and a short trip to the Sony store so Viper could gawk at the beautiful specimens of electronics, a phone call came from O. She had some errands to run. We decided to meet up with her.

But, before we left, we had to look at the SUVs. Well, I guess the SUVs. As we sat in the SUV, I caught a glimpse of the salesman. Pretty cute. I looked again to double check. Viper was quick to call my shot, "Single, he's a car salesman. Stop looking." I laughed, "Viper, what's the point, we are lawyers." We both laughed, as the car salesman came up beside me and asked if there was anything he could help me with. I excused myself and we left for O's.

O in an attempt to make me feel better began discussing pets. An option for the lonely or the soon to be lonely as soon as she realizes she is really single again. A kitten option arose. I agreed to go check out Pet Smart and the APA. O also needed to go to Lowes. In the interest of killing time to make it through the day, we went en masse on the errands. Pet Smart had an adorable kitten named Rainbow. Only she wasn't declawed and I care too much about my furniture. The APA was closed. We went to Lowes.

For the first bit, I wandered around after Viper as he looked at the air filters. As enthralling as that was, I decided to sit on a toilet for awhile and people watch. Lowes must be the only place in the world where you can sit on a toilet and people watch. Then we went to join O who was outside scavenging for plants. I had a lightbulb moment! I could get Michael a little sister! Cheaper than a kitten, just as loving! And a friend for my plant!

I began to search for an aloe. I couldn't find them. Then I saw a cute guy by the cacti. Cactus! I bet the aloes are by the cactus! I walked over by the cactus and then I saw the aloe. A little one, hiding back behind a group of more beat up aloes. She only had one bad leaf. I picked her up. Cactus guy was peering at the cactus in his hands and placing it back on the shelf. I wandered off to find my new aloe a pot.

I saw the perfect pot. It was on the top shelf and being that I am only 5'3 I couldn't reach. I jumped and crawled and put down my purse and jumped some more, to no avail. Then from behind me I heard a voice. It was cactus guy. "You need some help? I don't know how much help I will be, I am not that much taller than you." I laughed. He reached up and with relative ease handed me the pot. "Thanks" I said as he handed me the pot. "What's your name?" My head began to laugh, here you go girl, hitting on guys who buy cacti in Lowes. "Eric." "Nice ot meet you Eric." I took my aloe and beelined for the door, wishing I had left my number, but knowing, it has only been one day.

Michael the Aloe's new little sister is named Mischa. She has nine leaves and is not any bigger than 6 inches tall. She is currently in Michael's window with him, but is anticipating moving to her own window when she gets a little bigger.

Break Up

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 13:53:40 GMT

I wish I could say that I woke up this morning feeling freedom. Instead, I woke up feeling loss. Unfortunately, the three years worth of happy memories are starting to creep in over the 2 months of not getting what I need when I really needed it. I suppose that is the hardest part about a break up like this. It isn't that I didn't love him. It is that our views of the world were so much different they could not be reconciled, and no more effort could be made by either of us to reconcile them without forfeiting the people we are completely.

I got out for a bit last night. I went and hung out with the ballet crew just to get my mind off of things. There is nothing like watching the Moscow Ballet's Romeo and Juliet to remind me that in the end all love does is kill you. Isn't that what Romeo and Juliet was all about? Two star-crossed lovers who can't be together because of everything but their love for one another and they keep doing stupid things which eventually end in tragedy, or comedy, depending on how you look at it. (comedy in that literary sense)

I came home to an empty loft. I suppose my loft is always empty, but it seemed a little moreso today. I didn't have anyone to call to tell all about Romeo and Juliet and my night with my friends. I talked to Michael. I tossled around a bit, not knowing what to do with myself. Then laid in my bed. In an attempt to fall asleep I turned on my sleep CD. I bought it for the bar. It sounds like the waves on the ocean. It takes me to my happy place. Unfortunately, that reminded me of Prince Charming. He went with me once to the ocean. I quickly turned off the music and laid back down to cry. I could go back to him. I think of picking up the phone and calling. Then I tell myself no. No not this time. This time it is really over. That is why you are feeling this way.

Sometimes, you have to let yourself cry. Sometimes, life has to hurt. Sometimes, you feel loss. Last night I did. It wasn't better when I woke up this morning. My heart feels heavy but whole. I think of the song by Jewel that came out in high school where she "cracks the egg and makes a smiley face." Oh, what was the name of that song? Why am I thinking of it now? Then I find a small piece of solace. Not unlike the solace my grandmother felt when my grandfather died. I have been loved.

This breakup is different than the ones before. The more notable ones were me catching boys cheating, someone just being an absolute jerk, or even just stuff not working out...I didn't feel love for any of those people. Then, after hours of reeling about how I cannot hate Prince Charming because I loved him, and hours of searching for reasons to hate him to no avail. I recognize this feeling, straight out of high school.

Love grows and changes over time, Loss does not. It is the exact same as it was my Sophomore year of high school. I remember my first real boyfriend. The first one I thought I loved, and I remember the break up. I haven't had this memory in ages. At the time, it was all I thought about, but it has faded and is distant now. I remember sitting Sophomore Honor's English. Not like I have lost my world, no, I have friends sitting all around me, but feeling this subtle loss. It is not heartbreak. I do not have a broken heart. My heart is heavy but whole. The little red chairs with the baskets under them for our books. My long hair keeps getting caught in the screws that hold them together. My teacher is babbling on about something I decide I will learn on my own later. All I can think about is Pom Pon practice. I want to dance. Dance will make it better. I also do not want to cry. Behind me is his best friend. I don't want him to know I am feeling lost.

I sit and stare reserved waiting for the bell to ring, so I can go. My leg is too sad to twitch impatiently like it normally does. The bell rings. I run through the hallway to avoid him at all possible costs. Seeing him will make me burst into tears. I will not cry. I run to the bathroom to change for practice. I cry as I change making sure no one sees me. I wipe the tears from my face and go out to the football practice field. As our sponsor begins to yell at us to run "the mile." I take off. I hate the sponsor, it makes the break up easier. I can filter my loss onto her today because I don't like her anyway. I ran. I ran the entire mile. Jackie Joyner Kersey couldn't have kept up with a girl running from her own break up.

Then I know why I was thinking of Jewel and the eggy smiley face song. It was my break up song from my first love. The one I wallowed in my sorrows to. The Pheonix's Lament of my very first break up that mattered to me. Oh! There have been many Laments since them, like the entire first Dido album (he who must not be named), The City of Angel's Soundtrack (The second high school boyfriend), Coldplays Clock's Album (The college boy), Diana Krall, The wedding singer, Fiona Apple "When the Pawn" and now, back to my original lament. I don't even know if I still have the CD. There it is...Jewel, Pieces of You, the second page of my CD album. I pop it into my computer. The name of the song is "You were meant for me." Then one last song...Wistful by Adrina Thorpe. The newest addition to the laments. It soothes me, and reminds me I have made it through a break up like this before, and I will make it through this one.

Little Black Dress

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 22:29:22 GMT

So, maybe Prince Charming wasn't my Prince after all, but sometimes, things just don't work. You can't fix something that just doesn't work. Yeah, I feel a loss. I have a lot of happy memories mixed in with the bad ones, but it will get better, and somewhere, there will be another Prince. There is always another Prince.

So, Single is single once again. Let me tell you the decision wasn't easy. I had a long discussion with Michael, and you know you are really thinking things through when you discuss your issues with your plant for three hours. I have danced hours each day in the last three days. I have probably spent more time at the studio than at home. I needed the release, and the time to reconcile ending things. And now, it is over.

As hard as break ups are, I know I have been single before. I know single people live and eat and breathe just like everyone else. I have a whole new part of life ahead of me. A part I have never seen before with new adventures as Single. I know I have friends and family who care about me. AND WHY!!! is my mother not near her phone? She knew this was coming! She is supposed to be on call! Mom! You better have a good excuse.

Maybe tonight, in honor of being single once again, I will dress up and turn some heads. Go out with some friends and look pretty. Put on some make up, a pair of heels, and hope that this storm rolling through doesn't take the liberty of knocking out my power again. Maybe a little black dress? Yes, the little black dress tonight. If a bride gets to wear a bustling white gown, then the little black dress should be the mark of a singleton. A staple attire, one every woman should have in her closet. Just in case, a time like now arises, and you need to bust out the little black dress. As one of the little 8 year old girls at the dance studio said "Men are so unreliable!" And what about those BCBG man stomping strappy 4 in. heels. They match the dress. Watch out world here comes Single. She's on the prowl again.

To Love and Obey

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 13:07:07 GMT

Yesterday morning I awoke to the day after the bar exam and picked up, for the first time in 3 months, my favorite fashion magazine Elle. I like Elle. It isn't all about sex, it isn't all about fashion, it actually has some intelligent stuff in it. I was absolutely distrubed by one of these articles. The name of the article is "To Love and Obey" for fellow Elle readers it is on p. 186. and was written by Sarah Elizabeth Richards. Be ready for your stomach to churn in knots.

Evidently, there is some guy named Justin Sterling who goes about the country giving these "weekends" to teach women how to be women. Pretty much, it seems he locks them in a room, emotionally abuses them until they are submissive, and then teaches them their role in society from his perspective. Disturbing on so many levels. Unfortunately, sororities used to use these tactics all the time. (Of course until hazing laws, and a change in society that changed a woman's role.)

My thoughts aligned considerably more with the psychologists who critique the article at the end. A relationship based on the old school dominant/submissive roles is more likely to be unsuccessful because the woman will feel resentment and leave. Ok, so you are saying, look this is the girl who two days ago wrote about women being women. Absolutely. Women should be women. Just I don't think my definition and Sterling's definition about what a woman is line up. We see women as completely different creatures. I am very skeptical of a woman who learns to be a woman from a man. I am very skeptical of a program which teaches women to be women which is headed by a man. Now, if this program was a man teaching men, fine. But I have a real problem with any man who thinks they understand women enough to teach them how to be real women. And from this perspective leave the teaching women to be women to other women.

Now, if you want to teach women what men like, that's perfectly ok. You don' t have to abuse them, there doesn't have to be name calling, and you don't have to pull thier hair on the playground. There are other ways that women are receptive. Emotional abuse is not a prerequisite to getting women to listen. Funny, how a 5 year old knows how to get a woman to listen and a grown man cannot figure it out. If you want a woman to listen to you, teach her to value your opinion by respecting hers. And a "You're beautiful" never hurt anyone.

So, bottom line. Ladies, don't do this guy's program. It is seems to really be a crock. Find yourself a nice female role model to teach you how to be a woman. Join a sorority, a sewing circle, the red hats, or even just get involved with a woman's organization. If you want to know how to interact with men, look to your fathers, brothers, uncles, and platonic guy friends. Ask them questions, learn from friend's relationships. You can get equal respect without having to be submissive and do what men want you to do all the time. You are allowed to think for yourself, you have a brain of your own. I have been blessed in life to have strong female role models like my mother (a woman who pursued a college degree for the degree at a time when college degrees were for women who hadn't found a man,) my grandmothers, my aunt's, cousins, teachers, professors, women co-workers, friends, my friend's mothers, and my Kappa Phi sisters. These women, as a conglomerate, have given me the opportunity to build my self esteem in a positive manner. I don't need a man yelling at me in a little room and calling me names. I need a trip to the beauty shop, a new pair of shoes, and some cocktails with the girls. At some point in every relationship it has to become "about you" and not "about him." That is a woman's number one problem.

I am going to give it to you straight. You can become addicted to men. Just like you can become addicted to alcohol, drugs, and gambling. You will need a twelve step program to break the habit. This guy seems to be feeding the addiction instead of breaking it. No man will be happy in a relationship with a woman who is addicted to him. No woman will be happy in a relationship with a man if she is addicted to him. Break your addiction and that is how there is peace. You don't need someone yelling at you to do it.

Figure out what you want in a relationship. Don't listen to what other people tell you when they are telling you what you should want. Each woman is different. Each unique. Each with a different set of values, a different tolerance for putting up with things, and a different outlook on their role in society. Each man is different too, whether they like to admit it or not. You can't become a cookie cutter woman and have all the men falling at your feet. You earn them by being yourself. The problem with this guy's tactics, is that it strips the sense of self, which is so incredibly invaluable to happiness in a relationship. Do not EVER let a man stifle your spirit. It is your spirit he loves.

What I need in a Relationship

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 05:54:40 GMT

I had sometime today to think about my absolute demands in a relationship. I wonder who shares my demands. Quite honestly, I don't think my standards are too high. What do you think?

1. I need someone who wants to do things with me because I enjoy them, even if they do not. I need someone who will do the things I enjoy so that they can spend time with me. I will return the favor.

2. I need someone with a clear set of priorities so I always know where I stand in a relationship. And I do not want to be last on the priority list. It is difficult to make decisions about a relationship when you do not know where you are on the priority list.

3. I need someone who will get to know my friends. Because I am far from my family, my friends are like my family. I need someone who will take initiative to get to know them.

4. I need someone who can meet my emotional needs. I need someone who will be there for me, the way I need them to be there, during my hard times.

5. I need someone who doesn't mind planning for the future. It is respectful of my schedule to tell me what we are doing for the weekend. If you leave me hanging until the last minute I miss out on other opportunities when you bail. Sometimes, that means having to sit home alone on a Friday night when I could be out with friends.

6. I need someone who is willing to try new things with me. I love trying new things.

7. I need someone who is active and likes to go do things, not just sit around all the time.

8. I need someone who takes care of himself. I don't want to be his mother. His mother exists to mother him. I don't want the responsibility.

9. I need someone who can handle his finances well.

10. I need someone who respects me. Someone who trusts my decisions for myself and this means respecting all my decisions from friends to careers.

11. I need someone who understands the importance of family and whose family is important to them.

12. I need someone artistic and cultured.

13. I need someone who wants to share my life with me, not someone whose life I am sharing with them. It has to work both ways. Thus, sharing life with each other.

14. I need someone who feels free to be honest with me and himself. This includes sometimes admitting he was wrong. Again, I will repay the favor.

15. I need someone who will discuss my decisions with me without trying to make those decisions for me. I also need someone that doesn't mind saving the day by being ever so slightly a handyman.

16. I need someone who is a spiritual person.

17. I need someone who values balance in life and who understands that play is just as important as work.

18. I need someone who doesn't stifle my spirit. Someone whose living room I want to dance through! Who doesn't mind that I sing loudly at passerby cars!! And who loves me for all my craziness and through all my tears. I never want to be seen as a burden.

Learning to trust yourself

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 03:45:38 GMT

There is too much going on right now in my life to be able to handle a relationship on top of it all. So, Prince Charming and I are taking a breather. Mind you not a break. Not a break up. But a breather. This has been a long and emotionally demanding summer. I need to breath. He needs to breath. And we both need to be doing other things right now. Life has taken us for a detour from one another. I do hope it is temporary, but one way or another, it is a detour. I am a firm believer that sometimes relationships need to breathe. Just as people do.

So what exactly does a breather entail? Well first off, not much more than what was going on anyway. I need time to study and not worry about my relationship. I am female. Relationships are generally more important to females than work. In order to have my priorities in a position where they should appropriately be at this point (until July 27), I needed to take a step back from maintaining relationships. Which mind you, has gotten to be quite a chore lately to no fault of anyone but general life circumstances. Which means for a couple of weeks I need to refocus on what I should be doing. The best way, is to leave relationships alone for awhile.

Isn't it funny how relationships sometimes need to be left alone. It is odd how you think of a relationship as never really alone. In reality you are still alone in a relationship just as much as you are alone when you are single. And moreso, sometimes that is really what a relationship needs. It needs alone. Once upon a time I think they called that "space." Now I am searching for a new term for the alone in a relationship. A name which is not "space" which teeny bopper movies have given a horrible conotation, but giving time and distance. Letting the relationship take a breath. A moment to inhale and pause. Just like placing pause on a dvd player.

I am not very good at this. I will be the first to admit it. I like to cling. I do not like space. Space scares me because on the other side of space there has always been heartache. Be it from friends or lovers. But in all honesty, I have nothing to lose. If I was to give myself advice, as I sometimes give blog readers, I would tell myself to give it time and space. I would tell myself to let it be alone. Alone has healing tendencies, and right now alone is perfect timing as I have very little time to dedicate to relationship maintenance. But in the words of Alice in Wonderland, "I give myself very good advice, but very seldom take it." This time, I am making a concerted effort to take my own advice. When I listen to myself I very seldom steer myself wrong. It is such a rare occasion that I listen to myself. After a long chat with Mom, even she agrees with my good advice to myself, and she also knows my problem with taking my own advice. A horrible habit of second guessing myself to my own demise.

On that same note. These practice MBE problems get easier when I take my own advice. Even if I am completely confused and have no idea of the answer, if I can follow my gut, I am usually right. Only, not only do I second guess my knowledge, but I second guess my gut. A habit I need to break, and break soon. I guess what this blog entry is really about is trusting yourself. Perhaps, that is my biggest issue. Not confidence. I have plenty of that. Trusting myself. Believing I can actually do it, that I know it, that I know what is best for me, and that what I decide is what is best. Whatever the outcome.

So, maybe this is my next big hurdle in growing up, and I have until July 25 to overcome it. With that kind of goal on my plate, it is probably best to let my relationship breath. Practice a few more problems for the bar exam. Stop blogging. Get some rest. And restore my faith in myself. And as my blog has so clearly reminded me tonight. The best way sometimes to restore faith in yourself is to do it alone. By yourself. No one can put faith in you for you but you. And who better to know the value of alone than Single.

A Prince Charming Dream

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 12:32:59 GMT

I woke up this morning in a panic because my dream reality and my actual reality has somewhow gotten mixed up in the night. I had a wedding nightmare, only I am not engaged and am in no way near getting married! Scary enough in itself.

I had a dream about Prince Charming. I had informed (not asked and definitely not him asked) him that he was marrying me...that day. He said, "It is hard having a notoriously single girlfriend." I took him with me to meet with all our relatives. I dropped him off and went to buy a dress with some of my closest girlfriends. (Yeah I know it is random and wierd, but it was a dream ok. These things have very little structure) At the store everyone was really excited.

When I returned to my family from the store Prince Charming was very interested and seemed ok about the whole getting married thing (I suppose this was contrary to some reservation he was having earlier about being informed of it. Justifiably.) Then he started to talk to my family and friends. He started to get upset because I had previously told him that I was not a hunter and he found out I was. He wasn't upset with me about the fact that I was or was not a hunter, but that I had lied about being a hunter. (I have never hunted a day in my life. I have no clue what this was all about.) I told him I wasn't, and that I had stopped all that years ago. Then came a flood of other things that were lies my family and friends were telling him.

Toward the end of the dream, after everything was more straightened out, I looked at him and said, "I can still marry you." He said, "No, not now." and locked himself into a closet. I sat on the other side of the door talking to him, and then he stopped responding. Worried, I swung open the door and he had walked out a door on the other side of the closet. I walked out the same door and found him leaving.

How do you say insecure? This dream is just proof you should never go to bed with an insecurity of any type looming in your head. Or maybe my brain was really just storing away an insecurity of some sort.

Just a note: I am not getting married, nowhere close. I am not engaged. I am just having stupid dreams that are inevitably induced by the Stupid Bar Exam (SBE) studying. I am sure in some way this is related to Contracts and the Statute of Frauds.

Stages of Relationships

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 20:10:28 GMT

I have been doing some research lately about the different stages of relationships. From what I can gather there are 4 major ones.

The Happy Lovey Phase

The Happy Lovey Phase. This phase is, as I stated, happy and lovey. You get googley feelings and excited about seeing each other. You go out on dates, get flowers, and become convinced this person is someone you could be with forever. Everything is happy lovey smiley and the world is just an illusion to the two of you. Adrenaline and Endorphins fuel this stage of the relationship. This stage is the stage most people think is love.

The Lets Set Some Boundaries Phase

The Let's Set Some Boundaries Phase is tumultous at best. You argue a lot, and you learn to see that the other person in the relationship is not, as you had previously thought, perfect,exactly like you, and all you ever wanted. You pick out the differences and those differences are seen as bad. Mainly because differences mean less happy lovey feeling. Sometimes no happy lovey feeling at all. Sometimes grossed out feeling, and you have thoughts about whether or not you actually want to be with the person you are with.

This stage is where you start to learn about your chosen partner. To learn how their star wars figurines will always be more important than you, how they paint their toenails in bed, their ober addiction to caffeine or energy drinks that fuels them for the day, the crankiness when they get hungry, or how they sound when they swallow. Stuff that used to be endearing quirks becomes some of the greatest annoyances. But if you make it out of this phase without just giving in and becoming codependent, or by learning to compromise, then your relationship can be successful and happy again. You might even get back some of the feelings from the happy lovey stage.

The Stale Stage
The stale stage of a relationship is where the relationship stands still. Often this is difficult to deal with because you feel like your life and your partner's life are moving in completely opposite directions. You have things you want to do, and they have things they want to do. Your stuff doesn't match their stuff and you feel a disconnect with your partner. In a way, it is a nice breather after the tumult of the Setting Boundaries Stage, but it is bittersweet.

It is hard to stay connected in this stage, but if you have laid a positive and strong history with your partner, if you share lots of good memories, those are helpful to making it through this stage. You have set a lot of boundaries, you know the other person well, and you start to take them for granted a bit. But, you still appreciate them.

If this stage isn't handled well or if there isn't enough relationship history, the disconnected feeling can kill the relationship. There must be a lot of trust and committment to make it through this stage.

The Stage of Mutual Respect
Some of the sources I have looked at put this stage of a relationship approximately around 4 years. This is the phase where people should get married, but usually people get married at the lovey phase. At this phase, you have learned one another's differences, have worked through enough tumult to last awhile, and can be bored with one another and still stay together. You see those differences that you had as good, because you have learned to respect those differences in your partner and you understand why those differences exist. Differences also give you something to talk about. You encourage your partner to be their own person and do their own things. You respect career choices, can give and take positively given criticism, and value your partner's opinion.

Things are not always lovey, but you have learned together that they don't always have to be lovey, and that love is different than lovey. Hopefully, you have developed positive communication lines through the other phases and know how to fight fair and when to put down your boxing gloves.

The way these things work
These phases come and go while you are in a relationship. You do not stay in the lovey phase forever, but you may go back and forth every once in awhile to the lovey phase. As you grow and change as a person, you might have to revisit the Setting Boundaries Phase. As life takes over you might end up in the Stale Stage over and over again. And the Stage of Mutual Respect Might come and go as you change, needs change, and you have to learn more about the other person. In essence, you grow together and learn to weather storms.

One partner may be in a different phase than the other partner. This is where communication becomes vital. Without it, you cannot move the relationship forward through the phases.

Of course, it is not always best to stay in a relationship. Under no circumstances is emotional or physical abuse ok. Maybe communication between your partner and you is an struggling hurdle and you never really know where you stand. Maybe your emotional and physical needs cannot be met by the other person in the relationshipand they are unwilling to compromise. And maybe, if you are still in that lovey phase, you just don't feel lovey toward the person from day one. All good reasons to leave a relationship or at least get some kind of relationship counselling.

Isn't it nice to know that what you sometimes feel or don't feel in relationships is completely normal?

To love sometimes you must let go (letter from reader)

Sat, 25 Mar 2006 00:25:33 GMT

I've dated a girl for about 3 months now and I done more going out, trips and so forth with this girl than any other girl I've dated. Sexually nothing really happend bc I was scared that she thought I was just looking to get some. But really I had fallin in love with this girl. She thinks I was perferct but she just wants to be friends. She's said she tried to conveince herself that I am what she wants but never has. THe last two weeks she had really really thought about it and just wants to keep our relationship on a friendship basis. What should I do? I real love this girl and would do anything for her? The more I was with her I really realized this the girl is who I want to be with. March 24 3:36 PM

Published by: walli2us

Dear Walli2us,

You should go and be friends as best you can, or just go. Sometimes it isn't about you. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the cold truth is, I seriously doubt that she really knows you and you really know her. You had been dating for 3 months. 3 months is really not a very long time. You have probably just barely scraped the surface of getting to know one another. A good way to keep getting to know one another is by being friends. However, sometimes you have to know when to stop. Is she pushing you away because she needs space for herself to grow? Or is she pushing you away because she isn't as interested in you as you are her? Is she using this whole "lets be friends thing" to save your feelings because she actually does care about you and doesn't want to break your heart. These things must be considered. If you can talk about them with her even better.

I know it sounds cliche, but if it is meant to be, it will be, otherwise it was not meant to be. Even if you are not a relationship fateist, you have to admit that you cannot force a one sided relationship. It is ok to love someone who does not love you back. You have to realize that they might not. Don't waste your time waiting on someone who doesn't care for you the way you care for them. Go live your life. If things are meant to be, in the end, living your life will only enhance the relationship.

As for nothing really happening sexually, I doubt seriously that that was the main contributing factor in the decline in your relationship. The fact that you were scared that she would think you are just looking to get some shows a lack of self confidence. Self confidence is vital to a successful relationship. If you are not confident in yourself you end up a leech on the person you are dating. Not saying you should go about trying to get some, just stop being so insecure about people thinking you are a manwhore. You are most likely not. In fact, the very fact that you are thinking about it makes me believe that you are not. Either that or you have quite the history and are trying to overcome a reputation. Either way, you are past that, and should not be focusing a single thought on it. Be yourself. Whoever that is.

The hardest part of dating is that sometimes you lose. Sometimes you are the one who gets to be the one with a tear in your beer mulling over what you did wrong, and seldom seeing that it might have just been a general incompatability. We have all been there. The good thing is, that we are given this thing called time. It sucks to wait on but is a great healer. Give it time, trust in the higher powers that be, trust in the pathway of life, and trust in yourself. Your path may be straight, it just might not be the kind of straight that you thought it was.

How to fall gracefully

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 20:31:35 GMT

I laid at the bottom of the stairs mortified. I was completely aware that my black skirt was flung up over my head, that I was exposed for all intents and purposes. I could feel from underneath the shelter of my skirt the eyes of the 40 people leaving the bathroom at the Fox theatre. The show, Rent, was about to start. There had been a mad rush out of the bathroom. I took the opportunity to nose dive in. There was no way I was coming out from underneath the barrier of my black skirt. No way I was showing my face to the world who had just seen my rear. "Are you alright?" The caring stranger couldn't possibly have known my embarassment, and from her recognition my fall must have been rather dramatic. In fact, I am positive my fall was dramatic. I felt the heel of my boot miss the top step. I felt myself tumble and then slide on my belly head first like a person on a Slip and Slide. I knew all too well that my skirt was well over my head, where it had fallen during the tumble and where it had permanently fixed itself during the slide. At this point, I just wanted to lay in the middle of the Fox bathroom floor and hope to God that no one who knows me, or ever will know me for that matter, saw my wonderful acrobatic feat. I could feel the blood running down my leg from the scratch on my knee. My knee which I cold feel swelling with every person who walked by me. I was clearly alive, what if I tried to move and my leg was broken. I couldn't lay here with my skirt over my head all night long. I peaked out from under my skirt. The bathroom had cleared except for the few people standing around to see if I was ok. I stood up. No broken leg. No head injury. I was whole. I brushed off my skirt and shook off. At that I quickly went to a stall and hid until the lights went down, mended my bleeding knee, and went back to the show under a guise of shadow. Only I was wearing a white sweater, which made my entrance into the theater well known. As I walked past the front row, I heard it..."That is the girl who fell in the bathroom." I felt like that little kid on the playgroud who no one will play with because they pick their nose. There was Prince Charming...taking his seat next to me. Checking to see what took me so long. How do you tell him you chose to miss the first part of the performance because you were hiding underneath your skirt which was well over your head lying in the middle of the bathroom floor?

The Starting Over Theory

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 09:58:55 GMT

Theory: A relationship begins where it last ended.

I have this theory that when restarting a relationship. Be it a friendship, a dating relationship, or even just an acquaintance, the relationship must start where it last ended. If it ended badly, it will start badly. If it ended well, it will start well. Not saying you cannot work past the previous ending,just that in rekindling the relationship the relationship must start at the end of the last encounter. For example:

Single ends relationship with Mr. X after 2 years. It doesn't end on bad terms, just life moving in different directions. When single decides to be friends with Mr. X after the mandatory post break up waiting period, then the friendship will start cordially they might even get back together depending on how good the break up was.

Example number two.

Crazy Girl ends relationship after finding out that Mr. X was a cheaterpants. They had been arguing a lot and the relationship ended by Crazy Girl kicking Mr.X's new girlfriend's cat off of a balcony. (No kitties were harmed in the making of this blog entry) If Crazy Girl and Mr. X were to get back together either as friends or while dating, the relationship would start with a hairy argument and hostility.

Example number three

The guy baseball friend dated in college up and moves to California without warning. Baseball friend goes to Cali on business and goes to dinner with ex college boy. Baseball friend and ex college boy have a great date. A little awkward at first, but great.

Anyone who has a story similar to support my theory?

The Glance

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 09:45:12 GMT

Sitting in Olive garden, waiting for him with my parents. There he was in his business suit, the one with the navy blue pinstripes, the tie I picked out, a shirt I told him matched. I remember the shopping trip when we bought it. I had to argue with the store personel in Men's Wearhouse because of a major lack of fashion sense. My blue jeans and nice shirt paled in comparison to his suit. I hadn't seen him in a few days because I was readying the apartment for the mom and dad visit.

He hugged my parents and had a seat, fitting right in with the laughing and joking. Listening to the stories about my family. Telling a few of his own. He seemed less nervous than the last time he met my parents. That was two years ago now. Two very very long years. Two years of breaking up and getting back together only to get frustrated with each other and break up again. This time we have hardly argued at all. Something clicked. We had grown up. We have mastered the art of the glance.

The glance. Something I have seen couples do but which I had never experienced until now. The glance is what happens when you know each other well enough to look at one another and have an entire argument with one glance. Like when he picked up the tab for my mother's birthday dinner. I gave the glance. The unspoken dialog goes "You know this is my mother's birthday dinner from me. Why don't you let me pay?" "Because I want to pay because I have this ego thing." "Well you ego thing is in the way of my birthday present and it isn't about you." "Well I am paying anyway" "Well fine, we will discuss this later." "Ok" "OK" That is it. All of that is said in one glance. No drama, no fireworks. You don't even have to say it.

It is a whole new level of a relationship I have never known before. Not having to say anything at all. Oh, it has sure taken a lot of work to get here. Maybe, it has been worth it.